Last Saturday I had my worst performance of the year as a professional athlete. I felt like anything but a triathlete. I got to experience one of the worst feelings you can have in racing. Giving in to the mental game before the game was over.
The morning of the race I can say that I was feeling more confident than ever, and like I was just going to hammer down and really show up. I am in the best shape of the life right now. Strong and fully faithful in my training. I stood at the water's edge and saw myself giving everything I had. And I did...at the beginning. I took off with the girls and was able to stay with them for about 4 minutes. That's a big success for me. I am really a work in progress in the water and could see this as a great start to the race. I was dropped, but was able to keep the pack in my sights ahead for most of the race. I made the last turn and headed down the homestretch feeling good. A fast age group male came up on me and I tacked on to his feet and picked up the pace heading home. WHAM! I am really unsure of what happened, but in my second of seeing stars, I knew I had been smacked in the face with a kayak paddle. I don't know how he missed my HOT PINK SWIM CAP, but I think he was backing out of the way and brought his paddle backwards right into my face and slicing open my lip. Thank goodness at the time I didn't know I was hit that bad.
As I ran out of the water, I made the first mistake and worst mistake of the day. I felt like I swam so hard and I wanted to know my time. I asked my husband that was on the shore. When I told me it was the worst time of my season, I was like "no f'ing way that is possible!!!!" I'm still standing by that the course was long as most of the times were long, but why did that even matter. My time didn't matter. I should have never asked. The race is still in progress. No time matters except the finish and going as hard as you can and keep on pushing until the end. Regardless I was behind, so shame on me for starting the mind games.
Jumping on the bike I was feeling furious with myself, or trying to figure out that Rob was wrong. I hammered down in an angry like rage. I also had blood running down my leg from my lip, but I didn't care. My speed was awesome and I was making up for the crap performance in the water. Although an easy bike course there was a nice headwind for the better part of the ride and a slight false flat as I made the first turn around into the wind. I saw my average mph dropping, and started the negative talk to myself. Mistake #2! Change the negative thoughts with positive ones. I thought I was pushing, but looking back now I was distracted by my own thoughts. They were everywhere except focused on the road ahead of me. After a bit I was able to get my focus back on track, but I think it was a little too late at this point. I flew by a few girls and just hammered it until I got back into T2.
My transition was not as smooth and fast as normal. I got onto the road and got into my rhythm as best I could. I saw my husband at mile 1 and instantly I got down again. I told him I felt like crap and from that point I had it in my head that I was feeling like crap and performing like crap. I really was going a lot better than I thought, but I couldn't see that through the jungle of thoughts I let take over. I ran fine until about mile 4.5 when I started to see the other girls coming back around. At that point I wanted to quit. Thank goodness I didn't. That would have been an even worse feeling than the way I felt after the race. I was physically fine, so that would have been disastrous. There isn't much else to say about the rest of the race. I walked the aid stations, blood running down my face, and just trotted along to make it to the end. I got too down on myself and didn't use the tools I have to change those thoughts into positive ones.
There was no way that I thought this day would turn out the way it did. I didn't fight the pain, and I didn't stand up to myself for a chance to be the best I could be. I just gave into the negative. This is the first time this has ever happened to me in a race. I felt devastated and ashamed of my behavior. I am stronger than this. I am a warrior. I will fight back.
I am a firm believer in the saying that, "everything happens for a reason." I live by this motto a lot. I know that there are lessons to be learned, and obstacles to bound. It took me a good whole day of contemplation and soul searching to really think through what happen and realize that this day was meant for me to learn how to handle myself when I struggle and prepare me for the next time I am faced with a similar situation. I know everyone experiences a bad race in different ways. This bad race for me was one of the worst emotional experiences I've had in a long time. It felt awful. I didn't dig deep enough into the real true self that I know, and push for what I want more than anything. I can be assured, though, that I never ever want to feel this way again. And when the time comes when I am faced with a difficult and trying racing situation again, I will remember this race, how I reacted, how I felt, and choose the path that will lead me to the most rewarding outcome.
"Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you can appreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go." ~Deepak Chopra
